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College Coach Re-gifting

December 22nd, 2011 · No Comments

With the Twelve Days of Christmas upon us, what better way to celebrate then by giving the gift that keeps on giving… As in the Re-gifting of ex-National Football League Head Coaches, who may not have survived the rigors of the NFL; or for that matter the pressure cooker atmosphere of College Football either. After all, both institutions simply keep on taking - as in the BILLIONS of Greenbacks Television Networks just shilled out to the National Football League. Or the half a billion ESPN just gave to the NCAA; instead of giving back to you, the Fans.

Yet as Christmas is right around the corner, what better way to celebrate then this wacky look at the just completed Pac 12 Dazes of Footenballen…

1. Oregon State Beavers (3-9)
(Pac-12 Conference: North; 3-6)
And just how many trees could the Beavers fall on the First Day of Christmas; Hmm? Something about Woodchucks chucking Wood comes to mind here… Err, looks like the Beavers fell flat upon their faces with few Christmas Trees to fall this year, especially with the drought in Texas, as I’m guessing the Beavers will be hoping Mrs. Claus sends extra cookies in their care package for the long winter…

2. UCLA Bruins (6-7)
(Pac-12 Conference: South Champions; 5-4)
And on the Second Day of Christmas, an Old Salt, Err Mega Huskies supporter who’s a HUGE Fan of Rickyboy “SLOTS” Neuheisel, rejoiced in Glee… As this elder “DAWG Lifer was all broken-up over Neuheisel’s firing from UCLA; NOT! Claiming he’d been dying to give ‘Ol Rickyboy a lump of Coal for the Holidays for years!

Yet Neuheisel was allowed to coach his final game as the Bruins leader in a massive throttling by the Oregon Ducks in the inaugural Pac-12 Title Game, whilst Santa has already made an early Pitstop in La-La Land - dropping off a contract for the 2012 Head Coach of the UCLA Bruins named James Lawrence “Jim” Mora.

Of course “Jim” Mora, the ex-NFL Head Coach of first the Atlanta Falcons and then later the Seattle Seahawks didn’t do any favours with his former employer (Atlanta) by joking years ago how he’d like to be the Head Coach of the University of Washington Huskies on local radio whilst Head Coach of the Falcons… To which Atlanta team owner Arthur Blank gladly told him to not let the door hit him in the Keister!

Mora, an ex-UW Alumni and former ‘DAWG’s Defensive Back, was given the responsibility of trying to fill the ‘Gynormous shoes of “The Walrus,” aka Mike Holmgren, who’d left Green Bay and led Seattle to four NFC West Division titles along with a Superbowl appearance in Twenty-oh-five… As Mora, then inked to a four-year deal as Seahawks Head Coach only lasted a single year before making way for “Mister Excitement!” (Pete Carroll) Who’s trying to muster up some more toys for the Seahawks steadily improving 7-7 season…

3. WSU Cougars (4-8)
(Pac-12 Conference: North; 2-7)
There weren’t any French Hens being feasted on by thee WSU ‘KittyCatz in the Pac 12, as Head Coach Paul Wulff was fired and then subsequently replaced by controversial ex-Texas Tech coach Mike Lee… Hmm? CANNOT be as controversial as Penn State’s Jerry Sandusky - or HELL! Even ‘Ol Rickyboy (Neuheisel) who got tossed by the University of Washington for participating in an “Illegal” Neighborhood NCAA March Madness Basketball Fantasy Pool. Although Neuheisel’s termination was successfully acquitted in a lawsuit against the NCAA and U of W when it came to light that the Huskies had actually publicly stated this type of Gambling was ok - and thus Neuheisel won a $4.5 million out of court settlement.

As I think all the Cougars will get for Christmas is some of their own el Speciale Gold Cheese to go along with their Cougar Red Gallo Box wine to drown their sorrows in, which I think was what ex-Head Coach Mike Price was doing with some of Santa’s Elf’s way back when, right?

As the “Paloose” looks forward to ringing in the New Year with the installation of Lee’s Red Raider Swashbuckling swerve; just watch out if you’re one of his players!

4. ASU Sundevils (6-6)
(Pac-12 Conference: South; 4-5)
Don’t think it was intended as a Stocking Stuffer, but; On the Fourth Day of Christmas Santa left Dennis Erickson, another ex-Head Coach of the Seahawks and San Francisco 49ers, along with Pac 10 Head Coaching stints of the Washington State & Oregon State University’s; A stocking full of Pre-paid telephone Calling Cards… As Erickson was fired as coach of the imploding Sundevils who lost four games in-a-row to teams they should have theoretically beat. Yet Santa did leave Arizona State an invite to the “El Matador” Bowl in Los Wages versus the mighty Boise State Broncos on December 22nd…

5. Stanford Cardinals (11-1)
(Pac-12 Conference: North Co-Champions; 8-1)
Although Stanford received five Golden Rings late last year from across the bay when then Head Coach James Joseph “Jim” Harbaugh bolted to the bright lights of Candlestick Park’s bright lights… Hey, somebody turn on the lights, please; Chirp-Chirp! Err, Jimmyboy Harbaugh bolted to the lure of the Big Leagues San Francisco 49ers - of which Harbaugh has gift wrapped the NFC West Division crown for the NFL Franchise, which will be making its first Post-season Playoff appearance since its 2002 Superbowl loss to John Gruden’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers. As San Fran will obviously be hoping to win the Gold ring in Superbowl XL VI!

Yet Santa left Stanford a Christmas Gift when he dropped off their invitation to this year’s Fiesta Bowl vs. the Oklahoma State Cowboys… NO word on whether or not Saint Nicholi will be gift wrapping Cardinal Quarterback Eric Luck up as the Indianapolis Colts No. 1 Overall selection in the forthcoming NFL Draft…

6. Colorado Buffalos (3-10)
(Pac-12 Conference: South; 2-7)
And on the Sixth Day of Christmas the Colorado Buffalos left a large laying of Buffalo “Chips” on the Gridiron, as these Pac 12 “Newby’s” were basically horrible - as they played like Bovine’s instead of Buffalos after letting a fourth quarter lead against Washington State slip away and then go on a five-game losing streak!

7. California Bears (7-5)
(Pac-12 Conference: North; 4-5)
And on the Seventh Day of Christmas my True Love Sang to Me… How ‘bout a trip to the TidyBowl Boyz! Err, I meant the Holiday Bowl vs. the Texas Longhorns, as the Golden Bears rebounded from the brink of Pac 12 Doormats by making a late season surge - even possibly sealing Dennis Erickson’s fate with a 47-38 road game win in Tempe to close the season…

8. Arizona Wildcats (4-8)
(Pac-12 Conference: South; 2-7)
There weren’t NO x’s on the Eighth Day of Christmas; as Y’all know All of My Ex’s live in Texas! And they AIN’T NO Milking Maids either Yuhs Hear!

As apparently Head Coach Mike Stoops assortment of X and O plays was only sufficient enough to muster up a 10-game losing streak before being Fired! With the last straw; Err tree to be the lowly Beavers defeat against the not so mighty Wildcats - as Arizona’s College’s will have two new Head Coaches in 2012…

9. UW Huskies (7-5)
(Pac-12 Conference: North; 5-4)
And on the Ninth Day of Christmas; Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine??? Not sure how many Huskettes were a-dancing, as about the only Hootin’ and Hollerin’ by any Washington Ladies may have been a certain one singing was the you-know-who…

As the ‘DAWG’s once again seemed to be a hit or miss affair this season, as they started off strong before faltering down the stretch so-to-speak, with even rumours of ex-USC Assistant Coach and current Huskies Head Coach Steve Sarkisian’s name being bantered about the UCLA vacancy… Yet Santa did leave Coach Sarkisian with a nice Christmas present, a trip to this year’s Alamo Bowl to face off against RG3’s Baylor Bears. As in 2011 Heisman trophy winner Robert Griffin III.

10. Utah Utes (7-5)
(Pac-12 Conference: South; 4-5)
And it appeared that the Reindeer had let loose on the mighty ‘Utes at the start of the Utah’s Debutant Pac 12 season with four losses in-a-row to former Pac 10 teams… Not to mention the season ending humiliation of losing the Pac 12 ‘Newby Challenge Cup vs. the lowly Colorado Buffalos… But! Never fear, as the Ute’s went leaping in glee, as ‘Ol St Nick relented and left Utah with an invite to this year’s SunBowl vs. the Georgia Tech Yellowjackets…

11. Oregon Ducks (11-2)
(Pac-12 Conference: North Co-Champions; 8-1)
And on thee eleventh Day of Christmas’s Partridge in a Pear tree… Hmm? Don’t think Ducks swoon in Pear trees, as I believe they’re some sorta Fowl-bird that is; Hya!

As I had to eat some Duck; Err Crow over the whooping Oregon put upon our mighty UW Huskies, as Washington lost for the Seventy-seventh year in-a-row… Whale, at least it feels that way, as actually I think Oregon’s now won the last eighth years straight.

And thee Ducks became the inaugural Pac 12 North Champions by crushing Stanford 53-30, which gave Oregon the Pac-12’s North Division Tiebreaker - enabling them to send ‘Ol Rickyboy sledding for the winter while asking Santa for a new coaching job somewhere’s next year. Hmm? Perhaps the Miami Dolphins will send Neuheisel a Christmas Card?

Meanwhile the No. 7 Ducks will spend the Holidazes break sipping Eggnog after smashing the Bruins in a lopsided 49-31 defeat in Eugene, Oregon - to be crowned the Debutant Pac-12 Conference Champions, who’ll be hoping to revel in Yuletide glee with victory in this year’s Rose Bowl vs. the Wisconsin Badgers; GO DUCKS!

12. USC Trojans (10-2)
(Pac-12 Conference: South; 7-2)
And on the Twelfth Day of Christmas, it appeared that the only Drums drumming in SoCal were those of the NCAA Sanctions Corps… Since at first glance, I couldn’t figure out why the University of Southern California’s Trojans weren’t the inaugural Pac 12 South Division Champions on the Twelfth Day of Christmas; Especially with their superior record vs. cross-town rival UCLA. As I’d forgotten that the NCAA had ruled USC ineligible for Conference Championship or Post-season (BCS) Bowl play. After somebody named Pete Carroll exited Stage Left to take up a new challenge in Seattle. Yeah, right; that’s the Ticket!

Thus while Santa left USC the novelty of having the Overall Conference’s third best record, this was just some lamented stocking stuffer gift instead, as even Reggie “what Heisman” Bush had to give back his 2005 trophy as part of the NCAA sanctions…

Tags: College Football

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